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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24701845">i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxstielsbees/pseuds/cxstielsbees'>cxstielsbees</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Emotional Dean Winchester, M/M, My first fic, Pining, Sam is a Good Brother, Supernatural - Freeform, im so bad at tags, mentions of Castiel, post purgatory, post s15e09, sam is sick of the pining, sam winchester gives advice, sam’s point of view</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:49:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>846</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24701845</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/cxstielsbees/pseuds/cxstielsbees</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam knows something’s up with Dean.  Ever since his returning trip to Purgatory Dean’s been different; not in a bad way, just different.</p>
<p>Sam sees the soft smiles that Dean lets out when he thinks no one is looking, the lack of scattered beer cans around the bunker, how Dean tries to control his anger, and, more often than not, succeeds.  He sees all of this and a million other things, but what stands out to him the most is how Dean looks at Castiel.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>or, Sam finally gives in and gives advice</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester &amp; Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hi!! so this is my first fic on here.  i wrote this awhile ago after 15x09 came out, but i just decided to post it now.  it’s been awhile since i wrote, so i hope this is good! </p>
<p>title is from cruel summer by taylor swift.  the lyrics randomly popped into my head while trying to name it, so that’s what we’re going with.</p>
<p>follow me on twitter @/edsbuckley :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sam knows something’s up with Dean.  Ever since his returning trip to Purgatory Dean’s been different; not in a bad way, just different.</p>
<p>Sam sees the soft smiles that Dean lets out when he thinks no one is looking, the lack of scattered beer cans around the bunker, how Dean tries to control his anger, and, more often than not, succeeds.  He sees all of this and a million other things, but what stands out to him the most is how Dean looks at Castiel.  </p>
<p> He looks at him like he’s the moon, the biggest, most important part of the night sky. He looks at him like they are the only two people in the world, and if he stops, he’ll disappear.  He looks at him with the brightest eyes Sam has ever seen, ones that tell a story of hope and despair.  He looks at him with this look that screams ‘I love you’, and, for once, Sam is truly happy for his brother.  However, as all good things must have a downside, Sam also sees how scared Dean is.  They have lost too many people they loved, and Cas is no exception.  Sam knows Dean better than anyone else, so he knows that Dean never talks about his feelings, but he figured he still has to try.</p>
<p>It was a cool night; wind whipped through the Impala’s open windows as Dean broke every speed limit in a 10 mile radius.  Classic rock hummed softly from the radio, the forever soundtrack to their lives.  </p>
<p>Sam shifted in his seat awkwardly, trying to sort his words.<br/>  “Dean, can I ask you something?” </p>
<p>Glancing over at Sam, still humming vaguely along to the song that was playing, Dean nodded.</p>
<p>  “Look, I know with everything’s that been happening recently, we’ve sorta been skidding over this, but what happened in Purgatory?”</p>
<p>Dean tensed at the question, but Sam kept talking. </p>
<p>  “I mean, you’ve been different, man.  Clearly, I know that that place can do that, but that’s not what I mean.  The first time you came back, you were messed up, dude.  This time though, you’re sorta less... I don’t know. Less aggressive, I guess.”</p>
<p>  “Yeah, well the first time I was in there for a year, so take a freakin’ guess, man.” Dean snapped, tightening his grip on the steering wheel.</p>
<p>Sam rolled his eyes.  He knew this was going to be difficult.  “Don’t give me that! That’s not what I mean and you know it.”</p>
<p>Dean sighed, as if he’d known this question has been sitting on Sam’s tongue since he returned.</p>
<p> “I couldn’t- I couldn’t lose him again.”<br/>It came out in a whisper, a confession hidden within the depths of Dean’s heart.</p>
<p>Sam nodded, knowing Dean wasn’t finished talking.</p>
<p>  “When I lost him the first time we were in there, I was so caught up in survival, I barely thought about what it meant.  But then I got back, and it hurt- it hurt so damn bad.</p>
<p>“Then, this time around, we got jumped by a bunch of Levithan, and he got dragged away after I was knocked out.  I thought I lost him again, Sam.”</p>
<p>Sam looked over at Dean, who was desperately trying not to make eye contact.  A tear glistened on his cheek, brightening each time a car passed by them.</p>
<p>Dean took a deep breath, and continued talking. “It was awful, Sammy.  He was just gone.  And every little thing from the first time around came rushing back and I couldn’t handle all of it.  I couldn’t handle the fact that he still- he still thought I was angry... and he-“</p>
<p>Dean shook his head, glancing down momentarily, before remembering he was driving.  “When I found him it was like a freakin’ anvil was lifted off my chest, man.  It wasn’t like the first time.  He was back, safe.” </p>
<p>Sam smiled sadly at his brother.  “You should tell him.”</p>
<p>  “What? He already accepted my  apolog-“</p>
<p>“Not that, Dean.”</p>
<p>Dean’s face crumpled. “I can’t.  I’m- I’m tired, Sam.  What if he- what if he just... what if he leaves again?”</p>
<p>  Sam looked up, past the roof of the car, through the clouds, past the stars, and into somewhere far away. </p>
<p>A heavy silence filled the Impala, unspoken words hung in the air like dust.  </p>
<p>Sam lowered his head a few moments later, the wisdom of a man well past his age in his eyes.  “We’ve all lost people, Dean.  It’s our life, as crappy as it is, and I found that when you find someone, you never let them go if you can help it.</p>
<p> “I know Eileen left for now, and I miss Jessica everyday.  You need to tell him, Dean.  It’ll still hurt like hell when our lives take the inevitable turn, but you’ll make something out of it that no one has ever had before.”</p>
<p>Finally meeting Sam’s eyes, Dean smiled softly; it was a smile of someone who’s had their heart broken too many times.  “Thank you, Sam.” </p>
<p>Sam nodded. “Of course.  Now, eyes back on the road!”</p>
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